Longing
by erocerium
Summary: "Longing. After all, is that not the best term describe it? So many years have been wasted on false hope and lost promises. How many will I be willing to give up in the name of my promise?"
1. Chapter 1

Hawke took a deep breath and peered out into the night from her perch in the lonely upstairs shack. She sighed deep in thought,  
"Longing. After all, is that not the best term describe it? So many years have been wasted on false hope and lost promises.  
How many will I be willing to give up in the name of my promise?"  
Broken from her thoughts by the door creaking she turned to see her little brother leaning on the frame.  
"Sister, lost in thought again?"  
She smiled up at him, how much they disagreed on and yet she stilled loved him so.  
"Naturally as always brother."  
He gave her a slight smirk of annoyance before stepping in to the darkened room.  
"We need to be heading out, we are suppose to meet the ever so 'helpful' dwarf tonight, unless of course, you have a better plan dear leader?"  
Hawke gave a last glance to the sea. Letting her previous thoughts slip away she stood up and grabbed her staff, turning to face her brother.  
"And miss a chance to annoy you further? Come there is much to be done."  
She said as she brushed his shoulder while passing him, annoying him enough to make him grit his teeth.  
Still, he followed her down the stairs and out into the street as per usual.

Nighttime in the Lowtown district was not the horrible experience everyone made it to be. As they strolled through, Hawke actually enjoyed the atmosphere.  
Turning the corner they headed towards the Hangedman in silence, not sure of what to expect from this dwarf and all that he had promised.  
Promises are something Hawke was well aware of by now and how dangerous they can be. She quickly tossed those thoughts from her mind to focus on the task at hand. Crossing the threshold of the seedy bar, she was hit with a blast of whiskey and shame, remembering her father describing something similar from one of his trips to the North. She looked around and saw no dwarf in sight. She decided to take a chance and approached the bartender to gather some information on her contact.  
"Excuse me, I'm looking for a dwarf, goes by the name of Varric. He is expecting me."  
The bartender looked her up and down before responding,  
"I could be asked to remember for the right...agreement."  
His sinister smirk was all she needed to see. It painted a clear picture what he had in mind.  
Rolling her eyes she looked deep into the man's eyes before he started to shake in fear. With a smile she calmly said, "Thank you" and turned toward her brother, motioning for him to follow her upstairs.

The wooden stairs creaked under the weight of the siblings as they made their way up. Before reaching the top step Carver grabbed his sister's arm, pulling her to him he whispered lowly  
"Please just accept whatever his plan is. We need the money."  
She jerked her arm out of his grasp and scoffed under her breath at him, topped the stairs and continued into the well lit room in front of them. The walls were heavily decorated with steel and other dwarven trappings. Furs lined the floor and the scent had changed to sweet lavender. Panning around the room, Hawke quickly found the man they were seeking. Sitting at the head of a table large enough for twenty people, was the dwarf they had met early that day. The dwarf smiled at her as he removed his feet from their propped position at the table's edge and motioned for them to come in and sit down. Hawke smiled back and as she approached him she finally broke the silence of the room to say:  
"Hello again, Varric. Sorry it took us so long, but the streets are much safer at night."  
Varric chuckled lightly and nodded,  
"About as safe as the deeproads after a blight my dear, but alas down to business. We need to get our hands on a proper map of the area and I know just were to get it."  
He casually looked at Hawke waiting for her response. She smirked at Varric before saying,  
"Am I to assume this has something to do with my charm and pretty eye lashes?"  
Varric laughed heartedly as Hawke's brother scoffed and removed himself from the room. Varric then leaned in close to her,  
"Now that the children are gone, we can start. I got some information from the mage underground in the city that there is an ex-warden here with the kind of maps I need. Problem is, he's not going to talk to me so openly but you-"  
Hawke cut him off,  
"Want me to go reason with a fellow mage and risk his safety for a bloody map?"  
as she spoke, irritation and annoyance resonated in her words.  
Varric's retort was calm and his tone remained unchanged.  
"Hawke, it's much more than that and you and I both know it. Without that map we will never reach the place and could possibly be lost forever. On a positive note, according to my sources, this mage might need your help anyways."  
"What on earth would give you that impression, Varric?"  
said Hawke as her annoyance started to subside.  
"Poor fellow is in over his head in debt and it's only a matter of time before his protection is gone, I'd imagine" replied Varric.  
Hawke grit her teeth and sighed, she could not allow that to happen to a decent man who only wanted to be free.  
"Where can we find this man?"  
Varric smiled,  
"I knew you would see my good intentions, my dear. I spoke to a woman in Lowtown that helps Fereldens. She claimed this mage of yours can be found in Darktown after midnight when the lanterns are lit."  
Hawke nodded at him as she pushed her chair away from the table  
"Well, let's be on our way then."  
Varric smiled grabbing his precious crossbow,  
"As you wish m'lady."


	2. Chapter 2

As the make-shift elevator descended down into the darkness, the trio stood in silence. Afraid that with one breath the contraption might fall out from under them.  
Once the platform touched ground again, Hawke stepped out looking with a sense of guilt at the poor people down here. Darktown was the one place with a double edge to it, perfect for hiding but otherwise miserable.  
Checking if the way was clear, Hawke looked towards Varric, "Lead on please, I'd rather not get lost here if I can help it."  
Varric chuckled and with a nod took lead of the small group. As they started to approach the little outlook to the sea, Hawke paused for a moment, unsure what she would say to this man they were about to meet.  
Carver put his hand on her shoulder as if he could read her mind. She glanced slightly back to him as he nodded at her. As if a silent agreement was spoken.  
They followed the dwarf in silence till he stopped at the top of a set of boxes that passed for steps.  
Varric nodded his head towards the small hovel in front of them with two small lanterns glowing lowly.  
"That's our place," Varric said coldly "somehow I expected something more from an ex-warden."  
Hawke smirked, "You've clearly never lived with an apostate."  
As her smirk faded she felt a little guilty at the joke she had made and how ashamed her father might be of her.  
Shaking off this feeling, she grabbed Varric's jacket, stopping him from opening the door.  
"Wait," Hawke tried to find the best words to use "maybe I should speak to him alone. A mage to mage conversation would go over much better I'd imagine."  
Varric thought for a moment before agreeing with her. "You have a point there, good call Hawke."  
"Absolutely not!" Carver nearly shouted. "Why one earth would we allow you to go in, speak to a man that could possibly kill you, alone."  
He glared at his sister, breathing heavily in anger.  
She paused to judge his face before responding in a calm and loving manner to her brother.  
"Because he won't harm me, and if he tries I'll let you have the first blow, dear brother."  
Her teasing was enough to make him focus on being too annoyed with her to care about anything else.  
"Please keep an eye on him, Varric." Hawke asked the dwarf lowly as she braced herself and opened the door to the small hovel.

She wasn't sure what to expect once she entered, but she was hit with an alluring aroma. The sweet smell honey and linen lit up her nostrils.  
She was overwhelmed by how wonderful it smelt compared to the outside and was quick to close the door behind her for fear it might escape.  
Panning the room around her, she noticed several people on beds and others around them, whom she assumed to be family members.  
Her eyes then stopped when she caught sight of whom she assumed to be the man she was looking for.  
Taken aback by his beauty she caught herself gasp softly and then she felt it. The scent surrounding her was not something natural it was coming from him.  
His magic aura danced about and she could feel him all around her. Her father had explained once that all mages sense things in a different way,  
even though she herself did not have any experience with other mages except for those of her own family. She had not had the privilege to test this sense.  
She then caught herself wondering what this mage thought of her own aura. Composing herself she quickly regained control and as the people he was helping turned their back to him she found out he knew she was there.  
His eyes looked on her as if she was already deemed a traitor.  
Feeling a small shiver up her spin she started to approach the man whose expression only got more serious with each step she took.  
Reaching for a reason to talk to him alone once she got close enough to him, she broke out in a smile,  
"Oh it's been too long my dear friend! How have the ravens been flying in the south this year?"  
The former warden looked at her as his expression relaxed, knowing full well what that statement meant. He smiled back at her casually,  
"They are doing rather well, come I'll show you the best places."  
He looked at his would be assistant and nodded to him. A signal Hawke assumed to be for 'keep an eye on things'.  
She followed the man into his small office, and as he closed the door she felt  
his aura change from the sweet honey and linen to something darker. He turned and faced her with a glint of anger in his eyes.  
"Why have you come here?"  
Hawke quickly composed herself, "Two reasons: first I'm part of a deeproads expedition and the underground said you'd have access to the maps I seek."  
She paused to judge the man's reactions.  
He began to pace a little before facing her again.  
"And why on earth should I help you? You risk your own safety to come to me and ask for such a thing? This is ignorance bey-"  
He stopped his scolding for a moment and let out of a sigh before rubbing his temples. He cupped his hands together and spoke softly to her.  
"Look, you want my maps and I need some help. Help me and I'll help you."  
Hawke looked at him very sternly but let it slide because she had to agree with him. It was silly for her to come.  
She was more interested in what boon he was asking of her now.  
With a smirk she playfully attempted to lighten the mood, "So long as it involves bloodying templars and no children I'm happy to help."  
He shook his head with a slight snort, "Well then you sound just perfect for the job. My friend is a prisoner in the gallows, I promised I would free him but I don't trust to go in there alone."  
Hawke cut him off with a low growl, "I would help any mage in such circumstances. Why didn't the underground send you to me?"  
He almost smiled at her, "Because I didn't tell them, I welcome your aid though."  
Hawke nodded at him, "Of course, no one should be a prisoner just for wanting to live his life."  
She looked down at having voiced her thoughts so openly and clinched her fists.  
"Where are my manners," he quickly brought her back from her thoughts; "my name is Anders."  
She could smell the sweet honey fill the room again and couldn't help but smile.  
"Pleasure to meet you Anders, my name is Hawke."  
Anders bowed towards her as a common place gesture of acceptance. "Tonight is my last chance to free my friend, will you come with me then?"  
She looked at him very serious before speaking, "Give me a place and a time. I'll be there."  
He actually smiled at her and she felt her heart flutter admiring his perfect jawline. Tossing those thoughts aside once he spoke to her again,  
"What was the other bit of business you wished to discuss with me?"  
Hawke smiled and used the kindest tone she could muster for him,  
"We can discuss that after we free your friend."  
Anders nodded, not phased by her allure, and quickly jotted down on a piece of parchment a time for her and the place.  
"Tonight then."  
He spoke coldly as he opened the door to his office. She nodded and stepped out heading straight for the door.

"You can't possibly be serious?" Carver protested when Hawke explained the vague details to her brother and Varric.  
She shrugged at him, "I didn't say you two were coming."  
"Hawke, you can't be serious? You're going into templar territory alone?" Varrics tone was harsh in a caring sort of way.  
Thinking over her words for a moment she nodded at him. "I am serious and I wont be alone. Trust me" She smiled as she started to walk away from the pair. Baffled, the two men followed her.

Overhearing the conversation from the other side of the door Anders couldn't believe what he heard. She'd not given away the plan and she was coming alone.  
Did she trust him? No, he dare not think that nonsense, but maker those eyes are-  
_**"Sin incarnate."**_  
He shook the thought away, making himself busy with his work so he could beat her to the meeting place.

Hawke approached the chantry slowly, unsure of what she was getting herself into. Near the door she spotted Anders and nodded towards him as she approached.  
"Ready?" He asked lowly, his voice shaking a bit.  
Hawke tried to smile at him to lighten the mood, "As I'll ever be."  
The pair pushed open the doors as silent as they could. Candles flickered and their shadows danced off the walls while they walked down the slender corridor.  
Hawke stopped as they came to the end of the corridor and admired the place. She felt him staring at her and she whispered,  
"It's so beautiful to be stained by the blood of the innocent."  
Anders felt his heart wrench, "What horrible things must this woman have been through?" he thought to himself.

_**"Enough we must press on". **_  
Anders sighed and finally spoke, "When we find Karl, just let me speak to him, please."  
Hawke nodded and followed him up the set of stairs made of stone. The closer to the top they got the more she felt like they shouldn't be here.  
Before Anders had the chance to see his friend she grabbed his arm.  
"Something isn't right Anders," she hissed at him "we shouldn't be here."  
He shrugged her off seeing Karl standing in the corner. He blindly ran to him. Hawke felt sick as she chased after him.  
As they approached the man she could sense what she feared long before Anders could.  
"Karl! I knew I'd find you, I prom-" He was cut off by Karl's heart wrenching monotone voice,  
"Anders, I know you too well."  
Both were taken back in horror as Karl turned to face them, the scar of the chantry burned brightly. Anders allowed a few tears to fall,  
"No! Dammit no! I tried Karl. I'm so sorry!"  
He tried to grab Karl's hand but was stopped short as Karl spoke again.  
"The templars are going to show you Anders."

Hawke was filled with rage as she seen the glint of armor come from the shadows. She quickly prepared herself and reached into her pocket stroking a small stone, her fingers alighting with a spark.  
She had no time to debate on which order she'd kill them in before she felt that strange dark aura coming from Anders again. She looked at him as he shrieked out in pain.  
"NO!" His skin began to quiver in rage as the most brilliant shade of blue shown through him. Hawke felt a breath of the fade she hadn't felt in years. Then he spoke but it wasn't a voice of his own,  
_**"You fiends will never take another mage as you took him!" **_  
Within a moment he was upon the Templars, striking them down before Hawke had much chance to react. Getting in a few blows herself, she rendered a templar immobile as he was about to strike Anders down. In the heat of the battle, Hawke began to think to herself:  
"Surely he doesn't run into a battle so blindly all the time" but then again she was sure that wasn't him.

As the last templar fell, she could feel the breath of the fade receded back into him.  
Anders had since stopped glowing and rushed back over to Karl who was calling out to him.  
"An-Anders? What happened? This...Maker, this is horrible."  
The man began to sob a bit and Hawke's heart weeped for pulled Karl close to him,  
"I'm so sorry Karl, I'm so sorry."  
Karl pushed him away,  
"Please, you have to kill me now. I don't know what's happening but I can't live like this. I want to die, as a man. As a mage. Not a puppet to them."

Anders let a few more angry tears fall while reaching for his dagger.  
Hawke grabbed his arm, "Wait, we can fix this, we just need-"  
Anders shook her off, "Can you cure a beheading? He's not even human anymore. Just a husk."  
Hawke glared at him with hurt in her eyes, "Fine, have it your way."  
She turned her back on the pair and looked out over the balcony, touching her forehead lightly as she heard Karl take his last breath.  
Anders approached her and whispered lowly, "We should leave before more templars come." She did not speak and began to lead the way out of the chantry.


	3. Chapter 3

Once out of the chantry Hawke could finally breathe. Reserving her silence as she and Anders slinked through the back alleys of Hightown.  
He didn't bother to speak till Lowtown came into view.  
"You're upset, I apologize if I offended you." He glanced her way to see if she would respond. She did not.  
He sighed heavily as they continued to walk through the darkened streets.  
For the first time he actually noticed how good she smelled, "Maker..." he thought to himself.  
'_**'You shame yourself.''**_  
He clinched his fists as the voice boomed in his head. Her pleasant aura was a mixture of cherries and warm milk, with a hint of sour lime.  
Most likely from the hurt he had seen in her eyes. He wondered to himself why it had upset her so, he'd never heard of such a cure and to even tease him of one was an insult. Hawke didn't bother noticing him, she was far too lost in memories of a far less happy time.  
Promises and words screamed in her ears so loud she almost didn't noticed that Anders had stopped walking.  
She paused for moment and looked back at him. There he stood fists clinch, a simple tear fell to the ground and with it himself.  
Hawke knew heartache when she seen it, and despite his harsh nature with her earlier, she walked over to him.  
Kneeling down beside him, she reached out to touch him and pulled her hand away before it could connect to him.  
She looked him over as he sat there on the cool ground, sobbing.  
"If only he would have listened to me." She thought to herself as she sat down, giving as best of comfort as she could offer.  
He was quite warm and she could smell the honey again, still she did not speak to him.  
For what seemed like ages they sat in that dark corner of Lowtown in silent comfort. When he finally stopped crying he sat back and looked at her.  
Hawke couldn't help herself and offered him her handkerchief. He accepted it and cleaned his face off.  
Anders sighed and looked down ashamed of himself for failing, and now this woman was tending to him.  
**_''We need to move''_** Anders did not want to listen but knew better by now.  
He sighed and began to stand, offering her a helping hand as he gained his balance.  
Hawke debated for a moment and took his hand. At the touch of their fingers sparks flew and she cried out in pain.  
Pulling her hand back she turned away from him "Don't touch me." Her words were cold and firm.  
She turned around to see the hurt in his eyes but she needed for him to keep his distance. "Maker, did that just happen?" Anders couldn't help himself.  
It hurt inside to witness what just happened.  
**_''Ignore it"_** the voice in his head snapped.  
After Hawke composing herself for a moment, she walked passed him and headed towards the lingering smell of the chokedamp.  
Making sure to keep two steps ahead of him, she could not afford to let him see her pain at what she had seen.  
"This cannot be happening, he would never accept me. I am a monster." She scolded herself harshly.  
Finally the pair came upon the shaft to Darktown, the chokedamp hitting them in the face.  
Anders spoke softly, "Thank you, you don't need to escort me home you know."  
Hawke finally decided to break her silence to him, "I'm afraid we still have business to discuss."  
With that she climb onto the platform and motioned for him to get on. He obeyed.  
Anders tried to keep his distance from her in the same space was a bit hard, but he manage.  
As they approached the door to his clinic, Hawke paused again to admire the moon. It was high in the sky now, very late in the night indeed, but still so peaceful.  
It made her feel alive. Anders caught her and couldn't help himself but to admire her beauty in the moonlight.  
His thoughts were cruel to him. "If only this was another world." He spoke softly under his breath as he opened the door and proceeded inside, leaving it open for her. She was brought back to reality when she felt how alone she was out here.  
Looking around for Anders she noticed the clinic door still open and proceeded inside. It was empty now and held just the two of them.  
He was sitting on a far bench with some papers in his hand, the maps she assumed. Hawke started to walk over to him, and in response he stood meeting her halfway.  
"Before I give you these," he spoke soft and sweet to her, "I want to explain what happened tonight."  
Hawke nodded, "That would be helpful."  
Anders sighed as he walked over to the bench and motioned for her to join him. "Where to begin?" He softly joked.  
As she sat beside him she could sense the tension. "At the beginning please."  
He nodded and looked down, searching for the right words so she wouldn't run screaming.  
"I was recruited into the Grey Wardens a little over a year ago," he began smooth as he could.  
"Things were easy back then. Escape the circle. Joined a darkspawn hunting army. Sadly good times don't always last, do they?"  
He glanced up at her to see if she was actually listening, and felt his heart melt at those eyes. He quickly looked back down and continued his story.  
"On my travels with the great Lyari Cousland, we met up with a spirit that was trapped outside the fade.  
He offered to join us in our quest since he had no other purpose but to play the demon in his current state.  
The Commander enjoyed his views and kept reassuring him that he was no demon and would never become one."  
Anders paused and clinched his fists around the maps. "Justice once asked me why I didn't do more for other mages since I was a free man now.  
I simply told him it was too much work, but after that I felt... guilty." He brought his free hand up and rubbed his temples softly.  
Hawke felt sorrow for him, knowing that feeling of guilt. He continued on. "We were going to work together, to bring justice to every child that was sent to the circle.  
It was supposed to be a simple transition with a willing host to house him." He cringed and slammed his fist against the bench startling Hawke a little.  
"Damn the templars, damn the chantry!"  
He was borderline sobbing and Hawke longed to be able to comfort him. Without thinking she wrapped her arm around him.  
As she did so, she began to absorb his pain at the expense of her own. He managed to calm himself enough to speak again.  
She held onto him, never showing the amount of pain she was in.  
"Once Justice was inside me he changed, my anger...it turned him into everything he feared it might. I betrayed him."  
Hawke remained at his side, her arm still around him for a few moments before she removed her arm, unable to take the pain and spoke.  
"We can't always predict the outcome of our actions. We can only make them with a true heart."  
The words hit him like a ton of bricks; he didn't even have time to think.  
"Kind, wise, and beautiful? You must have made a deal with some demons yourself."  
Realizing what he just said he stood. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that."  
Hawke looked up at him and smiled, "It's quite alright, though I'm not sure how far wrong you would be with that statement."  
He looked at her bewildered. "What do you mean by that?"  
There was annoyance in his voice at the thought she might be mocking him.  
She sighed and thought to herself. "Hmmph I shield your pain and this is the thanks I get?"  
Her thoughts were cold towards him but she knew her words didn't need to be. She stood to meet his gaze and spoke calm to him.  
"That my friend is a story for another time, from another life that doesn't exist anymore. The maps please?" She held her hand out towards him.  
He glanced at the papers in his hand and sighed before making eye contact with her again.  
"I thought I was done with the Grey Wardens, but if you have any need of me, I'll be here."  
With that he placed the maps in her hand, careful not to graze his skin against hers. She nodded and slowly walked passed him to head for home.

As the door to his clinic shut he allowed himself a moment of weakness. "Did she...touch me? Willingly? Now what kind of rubbish is that? She can touch me but the other way around and I get yelled at? Of all the-"  
Justice cut him off coldly.  
**_"Do not waste your time with this nonsense. She is right to turn you away. She may be a demon you do not know. I want to know what she is hiding."_** Anders nodded as if Justice could see him. "You're right. We need to know."  
He turned and headed towards his cot for the night, thanking the maker it was wet for once.  
As he climbed in, he pictured her face one last time.  
"But Maker, Justice, she is beautiful." The spirit scoffed at him.  
_**"Enough."  
**_ Anders smirked having annoyed the spirit. He closed his eyes and attempted to find sleep.


End file.
